


where have you been?

by milarexic



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Cocaine, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, F/M, Marijuana, Recreational Drug Use, Suna Rintarou-centric, mentioned ED behaviors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:02:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28147281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milarexic/pseuds/milarexic
Summary: Goes with my other work, addicted to you (please come back). Please read the tags, TW for ED behavior/thoughts (not centered around it but it pops up), depression, and drug addiction.Suna didn't care about anything anymore, or at least that's what he tells himself.
Relationships: Suna Rintarou/Reader
Kudos: 27





	where have you been?

**Author's Note:**

> hi! if any of you readers are struggling with the topics mentioned in this work, please feel free to reach out to me<3 this is me sort of projecting onto suna, as i am currently in rehab for an eating disorder and drug addiction. it's a very dark place, and i hope anyone that is struggling can get the help they need and deserve. it truly saved my life, and you all deserve health and happiness.

Suna woke up at noon to his head pounding and feeling like he swallowed sand in his sleep. He could hardly keep his eyes open, exhaustion pinning him to the bed. He needed some form of caffeine immediately in order to function as a college student. As soon as that thought crossed his mind, he remembered what was in his desk drawer: cocaine.  _ Perfect _ .

Every day had become the same and blended together to not even form one continuous memory, but bits and pieces of each day stitched together messily. The last time he got a full night’s sleep was probably months ago, and the last time he saw you… he doesn’t even know when the last time he saw you was. 

He quickly racked a line and snorted it, feeling the effects of the drug rush through his body. It didn’t give him the euphoria he used to feel, but it woke him up enough to begin getting ready for the day. Suna knew coke was bad for him, and even worse that he was becoming addicted to it, to the point where he needed it to get out of bed. He didn’t care though; he didn’t care about anything anymore.

It used to just be weed. He would smoke a bowl before class, come home, and smoke a couple more bowls throughout the day to relieve the stress and anxiety of college. But he was getting lazy, and he needed something that would counteract that, and he found his answer in the form of white powder.

With music blasting in his headphones, he began walking to class. It was probably the first time he went to a class in almost two weeks, only using the coke to get his homework done on time and keep his grades above average. 

Suddenly, a familiar scent flew past him, and he couldn’t help but turn around, feeling a sort of desire to chase that scent. It was you, walking in the other direction. You had glanced back for a second, and it only took that second for him to see the sadness in your eyes as you continued on your way. He wanted to run after you and throw his arms around you and never let go, but he couldn’t. Not like this. Not on coke. 

Suna knew you could tell something was wrong with him. You didn’t know the hole he had fallen into, but you probably guessed it had something to do with his depression (and you were right). He had told you his struggles, but he wished he didn’t; people truly knowing him made him uncomfortable. Maybe that’s why he distanced himself, in addition to the drugs and such.

He sighed. He didn’t have time to think about this right now when he needed to focus on actually paying attention to the lecture he was going to. His stomach growled, but he wasn’t hungry, nor did he want to eat.  _ When’s the last time I ate?  _ He thought, then:  _ Whatever, it’s not like it matters. _

As soon as he returned home after class, he smoked a bowl, wanting to just go back to sleep. If he didn’t, he would start thinking about you, or thinking about himself and how much of a fuck-up he is. He would start feeling again and he couldn’t let that happen. 

He dreamt of you; your bright eyes as you looked at him like he was the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen. You, with the softest smile on your face, as you cuddled during your favorite movie, and he remembers thinking that he never wants to let you go. Then, the dream becomes a nightmare, and he’s shrinking while you’re drowning and he can’t save you. Incapable and helpless, Suna shouts something, and the last thing he hears before he wakes up is your voice:

_ You did this to me. _

He wakes up in a cold sweat, shaky hands immediately reaching for his bong and taking a large inhale, attempting to block out any memory of that dream. It wasn’t enough, so he racked a couple lines and went through those hurriedly. Nothing was working. All that happened was he got even shakier, his heart was racing, and his mind was foggy.

Suna didn’t know why, but he grabbed his phone and texted you. A simple “you awake?” text was sent, and he knew he might not get a response. It was after 1:30 in the morning, and he hoped you were asleep. You responded, asking where he’s been. He stared at the message for a few minutes.  _ Where have I been?  _

The internal dam burst, and he screamed, sobbing into the carpet. He didn’t know where he had been, or what he had been doing for the past weeks. He didn’t know the last time he had seen his friends or spoken to them at all. He didn’t know the last time he felt like a human being, or the last time he had felt any emotion before this meltdown. When was the last time he was happy?  _ Where have I been? Who even am I? _

It was too much, and he sprinted to the bathroom. He hunched over in front of the toilet, and threw up. The only thing that came out was water, but by the time he wasn’t nauseous, he had calmed down a bit. He stood up slowly, wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his hoodie and catching a glimpse of his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

He was paler than usual. His cheeks were sunken in and he had dark bags under his eyes. 

Suna didn’t recognize himself anymore. He doesn’t want to recognize himself and the person he has become.


End file.
